Cerabino: Nutella from the jar, PJs at Publix and mullets? Pitfalls of a COVID-19 lifestyle

<strong>From:</strong> Cerabino headquarters

<strong>To: </strong> All units

<strong>Subject:</strong> Grooming, hygiene, dietary and appearance standards during COVID-19 outbreak

With the viral pandemic continuing to affect daily life for the sixth calendar month, we here at headquarters recognize that many of us have fallen into a malaise that has often resulted in a relaxed standard of grooming, hygiene, eating habits and appearance.

If left unchecked much longer, this can be detrimental to our self-respect and overall mental and physical health. While some degradation in standards is acceptable, it cannot proceed indefinitely on its current trajectory.

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There needs to be limits to our new era of sloth before we metaphorically throw in the towel to our former lives in a permanent way.

So, with that in mind, the following standards and warning signs will go into effect immediately:

<strong>1.</strong> Pajamas shall not be worn between the hours of 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

<strong>2.</strong> T-shirts shall be changed after every three days or after every three different food stains, whichever comes first.

<strong>3.</strong> Swimming pools may be substituted for showers no more than two times a week.

<strong>4.</strong> Eating on the couch will be permitted in moderation and in concert with frequent vacuum cleaning.

<strong>5.</strong> Find the vacuum cleaner.

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<strong>6.</strong> If you suddenly realize that you're watching the National Cornhole Championships on ESPN, and you're engrossed in seeing grown men in protective face masks "air mailing" one-pound pouches of corn kernels onto a board with a hole in it across a room somewhere in Pennsylvania, turn off the TV immediately and report to the laundry room.

<strong>7.</strong> Check the washer for clothes you put in three days ago.

<strong>8.</strong> Make your bed. If you require instruction on this, there's a 6 minute, 43 second YouTube video made by "Home Organizing by Alejandra" that will show you how to do it.

It's called "How to Make a Bed." Seriously.

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